


Reasons

by kierathefangirl



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cuteness and fluff, Dark, Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, gerita - Freeform, protecting each other, spamano - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 13:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl
Summary: Lovi finds Toni and tells him all the reasons he should stay.((Note: they have been friends for two to three years or so at this point, maybe more. Still in progress.))





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DandyDonut17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DandyDonut17/gifts).



> Written while listening to Reasons by Beth Crowley. In the story, it's said that Lovi is 'writing is as he goes', but the actual song (word for word as is written) is by Beth Crowley. I'd recommend listening while reading. (YouTube of Reasons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LARLZSoXpbE)
> 
> Dark & depressing, mentions of suicidal thoughts & depression, mentions of cutting. Very trigger-filled. This is some of the darker stuff I write from time to time. It actually helps me deal with my own feelings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi finds Toni and asks him to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. Straight mentions of suicide.
> 
> Lovi's POV.

My heart stops, then starts to pound. I dart up onto the sidewalk and up to his side, wrapping my arms around him from behind and pulling him away from the edge. “Please don’t.”

His body stiffens, then relaxes and falls back against me. He turns around in my grasp, hands trembling. “Lovi.”

I bury my face in his chest to hide the tears. “Don’t,” I repeat shakily. _You’re the reason I didn’t,_ I add in my head. _Don’t do this to me._

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Toni,” I cut him off. My voice creaks with tears and stress. I look up. “For the love of God, I know what you were doing. I’ve been there and you’re the reason I stopped wanting to. Please, for the love of God, _please_ don’t.”

Toni goes still. I hide again.

For awhile, we’re silent. But at last Toni breaks the silence. “You’re suicidal?”

“I was,” I answer honestly. “I still have bad days. Whenever my family calls, it gets worse, and I’ve been trying to talk to you or Gil instead.”

 “Oh.”

I release a slow breath. _Please don’t kill me for this._ I release him with one hand to take his hand in mine, then shut my eyes and start to sing. I’m going to be making this up as I go, but I need him to understand.

“ _You have the most beautiful smile. You light up, I can see you for miles and, if you stay, we can stand at the edge of forever. How it kills me to see you get hurt…You have no idea how much you’re worth, I…would pay anything for the courage to say that I love you._  
  
Tonight, I want to dance with you. I’ll reach for your hand and convince you: you’re not completely alone. Tell me what’s broken and I’ll try to fix it. Just don’t give up yet; this isn’t the ending that you deserve.  
  
Life’s unkind and it’s taken its toll.  But I understand more than you know, just…look around and see everyone’s faking perfection. We’re all getting by, fractured and bruised, too much pride to admit we’re confused, but…I am sure that I…don’t want a world you aren’t in  
  
Tonight, I want to dance with you. I’ll reach for your hand and convince you: you’re not completely alone. Tell me what’s broken and I’ll try to fix it. Just don’t give up yet; this isn’t the ending that you deserve.  
  
If you’ll give me the reasons you think you should go, I’ll give you the reasons that you need to stay!  
  
Tonight, I want to dance with you. I’ll reach for your hand and convince you: you’re not completely alone. Tell me what’s broken and I’ll try to fix it. Just don’t give up yet; this isn’t the ending that you deserve…”

Toni’s eyes soften and his body relaxes against mine. “I love you, too, Lovi,” he says quietly, closing his hand on mine.

I shift my eyes away. “Please don’t.”

Toni wraps an arm around me and we begin to walk away from the bridge. “Are you okay? You’ve been talking to us a lot more lately. You said that’s what you do instead of, um…”

He drifts off. I shift my eyes away. _Damn._ _I kinda dug myself that hole._ “Uh…yeah. It’s gotten worse recently. My family called this last Sunday.”

Toni sighs. “Well, so did mine. Just a couple hours ago.”

“What?”

He drops his eyes. “My uncle Fernández and my grandfather Fernández called. That’s why I...um, snapped.”

He gestures towards the bridge. I shiver a little. “Assholes.”

Toni blushes. “They’re homophobic. It’s not actually about me.”

I wrap my free arm around him, pulling him tightly against me. “I don’t care. _No one_ has the right to make you feel like shit. Especially not your own family.”

Toni’s feet lead us up into the park and we sit down on a fallen tree, and he deflates and collapses against me. “I’m kinda trying to convince myself as well. This has been going on for a lot of years, and it didn’t stop when I left. I just pretended it didn’t matter. But now they’ve gotten my big brother Jesús in on it and corrupted him into saying stuff like that and I just—fucking hell, he’s my _brother_. I miss him and I don’t want them to ruin him.”

I close my right hand on his and wrap my left around him. “I didn’t even know you had brothers. You don’t ever talk about them.”

Toni releases a slow breath. “I have three; Jesús, Andrés, y Matías. Matías is the oldest; he’s twelve years older than me. Andrés is ten years older than me. Jesús is eight years older than me. I was unplanned, as Mom keeps reminding me. I got pretty close to my brothers before all this happened. I got close to Dad. I never got too close to Mom so it didn’t bother me all that much. I mean, by the time I was six she wouldn’t stop telling me I was unplanned and unwanted and that Dad is the reason she didn’t just give me up for adoption. She was never nice to me.”

I reach up to peck a kiss on his cheek. “The best mistake of my life.”

“Awww, Lovi, I’m not _that_ —” he starts to protest.

“Yes, you are,” I cut him off. “For God’s sake, Toni, _I love you_. What part of that don’t you get? If you hadn’t’ve come along, I wouldn’t still be here. You’re literally the reason I’m alive, the reason I stuck around. Don’t try and tell me that means nothing.”

Toni snuggles against me. “I’m used to being told I was a mistake. I’ve stopped caring.”

“If _you’re_ a mistake, I’m a freaking void,” I say stubbornly. “You’re worth every damn second, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a piece of shit.”

Toni goes beet red and hides his face against my side. I wrap both arms tightly around him, vowing to myself that I will _fix_ this. That I’ll talk to Sebastian and get his brothers the hell over here, and screw his damn mother. Toni is worth more than this.

After several minutes, he’s peaceful. But I decide to break that and tell him the truth.

I pull back and slide my jacket off. “I haven’t slept at all this week. Not since they called.”

I hold out the pocket knife. Toni takes it, but he looks confused until I lift my forearms into the light.

Toni’s eyes widen and he immediately throws his arms around me, hiding the knife away in his jacket pocket. “Christ, Lovi.”

I snuggle against him, letting myself be weak for once. “You make me want to stop,” I tell him honestly. “But some nights are harder than others and I’m still falling apart.”

Toni pulls back and steals my lips with his. The kiss is very brief, but I can feel every bit of emotion meant by it and I can’t help but melt against him.

Too soon, he pulls back. I slide over into his lap and wrap my arms around him, shutting my eyes and letting exhaustion win out over everything else. “I love you.”

Toni kisses my cheek. “I love you too.”

Everything goes black as exhaustion finally takes my mind from this hellish world to a better one, one that I can feel safe in. Safe with Toni.


	2. Sebastian Vargas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni takes Lovi home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. Very open mentions of cutting & depression.
> 
> Toni's POV.

Lovi finally falls asleep. I scoop him up and get to my feet, taking a deep breath and heading over to take him home.

It doesn’t take long to maneuver my way down the streets and up to his house. I tug the house key from his pocket and stick it in this lock. _Snick click._

I push open the door and slide inside. Silence greets me.

I close the door and set the key aside. Lovi’s older brother rises from the couch and steps in my way. “Hey.”

I slow to a stop in front of him. “Hey.”

“You look like shit,” he says.

I tug the knife from my pocket and turn it over to him.  “You need to be more careful with Lovi. He’s been cutting. Apparently your family called Sunday and he hasn’t slept since; he’s been cutting instead. I talked to him and got him to sleep but you might wanna keep a closer eye on him.”

“Christ,” he mutters. He follows me into Lovi’s room as I set him down and tuck him in, then head back out. Then he stops me. “Wait.”

I turn. He reaches out and catches my wrist, then turns my hand over. Blood is still flowing down my wrist and off the tips of my fingers. “You’re bleeding,” he says.

I stiffen and take a step back. But he doesn’t let go; instead, he scoops me up, throws me over his shoulder, and slips out the door. “You shouldn’t be hurting yourself.”

In a matter of minutes, Sebastian kicks at Gil’s door. I have no idea how he knows about him, but it’s four in the morning and I don’t want to bother him. I try to protest, but he cuts me off. “Don’t. You need help.”

He sets me back on my feet in time for a sleepy-eyed Gil to answer the door. Sebastian gestures to me. “Is your dad home?”

“Uh, yeah?”

Now Gil looks more confused. I shake my head. “I’m fine.”

“You’re bleeding,” Sebastian disagrees.

“What?” Gil asks, alarmed.

Sebastian pulls my bloody arm into the light under Gil’s gaze. “He’s fighting me but he needs help.”

Gil turns and calls, “ _Dad!_ _Komm her!_ ” (( _Dad! Come here!_ ))

A sleepy Doctor Beilshmidt makes his way out of the hall. “What’s going on?”

Gil just points. I try to pull back, but it’s too late; he saw. “Christ, Toni. Come here.”

Gil’s dad grabs my arm and yanks me inside. Gil turns to Sebastian. “Thank you.”

Sebastian nods. “He got my brother home safe and alive. It’s only fair to make sure he gets home the same.”

With that, Sebastian disappears. Gil shuts the door and turns to me. “What the hell, man?”

I finally just snap. I’m trembling, and I start to cry. “I tried not to. I made it two hours. But Lovi found me. He left the house to hide the cutting from his brother, because his family called Sunday night. Mine called tonight. I can’t just—fuck, I’ve been trying to hold it together for years. I can’t just let it go when they’re dragging other people into this, people I actually care about.”

“That’s— _that was Sebastian_?”

I nod. Gil shivers. “Jesus. Fuck. I didn’t realize. Shit. Are you okay?”

“Honestly? No.”

Gil’s dad drags me up the hall to his office. “First, let’s take care of your arms. Then we’ll worry about what’s going on.”


End file.
